I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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