where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
