I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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