Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
