two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
