the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
