went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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