we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
