Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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