the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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