Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
