you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
