he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
