also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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