Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
