I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
