I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
