You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
