Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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