either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
