just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
We're too hungover to prance.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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