i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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