after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
