Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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