Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Why is your signature on my underwear?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
