So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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