sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
