Sorry, I don't speak sober.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
