Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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