I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
