I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
i need some magic done to my vagina
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
