He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
