so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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