i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
