a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
