Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
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I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
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A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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