That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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