perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
