yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I met the friendliest cop last night
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Randomize
