There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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