I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You made out with two different species that night
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Randomize
