I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
