The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
