she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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