I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
