I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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