he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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