i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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