Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
