For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
