He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
