I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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