At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You ruined the universe
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