I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
