best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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