dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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