I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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