my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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