he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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