I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
